just keep your hand moving across the page...

my eyes opened to this world this morning, and i could tell it was early, so i fumbled around for my phone and saw it was only 7:15 and i was happy. I got in the habit of watching documentaries or movies, or sport late at night until i fell asleep - which inevitably ended up being 12, 1, 2 am. Therefore i would wake up at 9. It was fun for a while, but i decided it was time to change that rhythm. And so now i feel so much better at sliding in to bed by 10, reading untill 10:30, or 11 and still getting 8 hours sleep and also wake up at a little after 7.

Having woken up so early, but not feeling ready for breakfast i decided i would do a blog as a morning page. DISCLAIMER - any time i write 'just keep your hand moving across the page', it means i have nothing to write and i am buying myself some time, whilst not disrupting the free-flow form... The goal is eliminate the mind from the process of writing and just blurn out whatever random, or seemingly inconsquential thoughts surface without letting the brain filter and select which ones make it out in to the ether. Hence, this blog could well be about nothing in particular. But i decided to do it as a blog. Which means i am breaking the golden-rule of the morning pages - NEVER READ YOUR MORNING PAGES AGAIN AFTER IT'S WRITTEN & NEVER LET ANY ONE ELSE READ IT. However, I'm not engaging in a morning pages exercise. This is a one-off. So i can discard that little rule for this morning. It's interesting though, because having an 'observer' will change what ultimately i write. I don't think i can help that. If it was just 'for me', this would change what i write and my mind would be far less active than it is now. OK, starting from now, i will attempt to defy quantam physics and completely ignore the 'observer' - being myself and YOU.

Last night i felt as though Man's search for meaning got the the part which i was interesting. Frankl started using his experience in the concentration camp as an experience, almost as a scientific test for existentialist theory. His premise is that no man can endure without some sort of hope. Some sort of future meaning. He quotes the famous line from Spinoza (i think it's Spinoza) who says any man can endure a 'how' as long as he has a 'why'. He says in the concentration camp, men who lost hope, who lost some sort of future focus, soon after died, because without hope, man lost the fight and the will to live and their immune systems would falter and they would then be susceptible to disease (typhus) and they would then die. He quotes a story of a man in Auschwitz who told him he has such a vivid dream. In the dream, the man said he saw himself, and he asked himself - when will this war end for me', and the reply came '30th of March'. At that time, it was April. As the day drew nearer and nearer, and it became increasingly unlikely that the was was going to end, the man's behaviour became erratic. However, on the 31st of March, a day after his dream told him the war would end for him - he died, seemingly from Typhus.

Frankl goes on to say that this is because he lost his hope. He deep down believed in the prophecy of his dream and this completely lifted his spirits and gave him (as Spinoza) would say - a why. But as it became clear the war was not going to end, his hope diminished and died and depleted him to the point where his immune system suffered so badly, that he got Typhus and died, peversely a day after his dream prophecised he would.

Frankl says that the point is that man suffers alone. That there is no way to apply the same reason to a situation twice because there are never two situations exactly the same. He says that every experience is unique to us - and this means we are essentially 'alone'. 'Alone, together'. Therefore, we have the power to design our lives and our perceptions of it. He says the men that survived the concentration camps were the ones that realised they had a 'why'. They were the ones who saw the concentration camps as a 'challenge', an experience from which they can grow. He says men are not behavioural pawns dependant on biology or sociology. That even in Auscwitz, they still had that most basic of human freedoms - the right to choose how they will experience, percieve and endure their suffering. No one can take that away - man is master. This reminds me of that great line in Shantaram, my favourite passage in the book, where he says (something like) 'even in the flinch and the bite of the chain, as i was being restrained and whipped by the prison gards, i still had the choice. I had the choice to forgive those who were punishing me'. I loved that. Even in that situation, where you seemingly have no way control over your life, you still have that most basic of human rights, to choose your existance. And i agree wholeheartedly with Spinoza, Frankle, and Roberts.

When i say 'life is meaningless', that 'what does it matter if i die, and what does it matter if it matters to you that i die'. That isn't a stateent. It's a question. The answer, is of coarse - that IT ONLY MATTERS TO US. In the scheme of things, it doesn't matter, and that is a liberating thing, which means that BECAUSE IT essentially does not matter, WE HAVE THE RIGHT to choose our existance as we want. To perceive, to feel, to choose, to be free, to exercise choice and give meaning to our lives as we see fit. There is a 'how' in life, the beauty is, we get to choose the WHY. That is ours and ours alone. And the power of that is so strong it sometimes makes me cry. That is what it is to be a human.

Just keep your hand moving across the page, just keep your hand moving across the page. I'm hungry, i sort of don't want porridge for breakfast, but is is so superior to all the other breakfast alternatives that i just keep going back to that default. I such an awesome nights sleep last night, i feel refreshed now, but my body is a little achy. And i think my cold-sores are on their way to dying, because my lips aren't 'alive' anymore, and are more just drying-out, but they are still a little prominent. I don't think i'll be seeing you tonight, and that will mean that you will be upset. And that i won't allowed to be emotionally upset, because i will have to explain and discuss why i think i can't come over, becasue at the end of the day, i am the one choosing to not come over. Just keep your hand moving across the page.

Just keep your hand moving across the page...