i haven't felt like this in so long.
These leaves in my guts have been disturbed and reconfiguring themselves as they fall back down.
Dis regulated.
I like it, what is it? Is it melancholia? Why does it feel so good? I could never put words to it. It is this desire of intense action but an inability to act and therefore some sort of limp sadness. It's very inspiring. I just wish i had something to write about. It is definitely self-indulgence. I ate two kit-kats yesterday and my god it was good. The taste was amazing and what was more amazing was not feeling the overwhelming, cat-clawing guilt which I drown in when I am exercising. How liberating. An airborne kite.
I wish i could write music, i wish i could play the harp, i wish i could sing again, i wish i could be in kindergarten again running to the sand-pit with Matt and Stephanie, I wish I could say goodnight to my grandma the night she went to sleep and never woke up again, i wish i could not have been so competitive with my sister when competitiveness is exactly what crushed her , i wish i could wake up in Glenroy and eat one of my grandfather's omelette's again, i wish i could have met my mum's dad, i wish i could have not cared so much about what other people thought when i didn't need to, I wish i could watch 'Mulligrubs' in my grandparents house, i wish i could play in their garage, i wish i could erase the memory of my sister flinching and the fear in her eyes in the Datsun, when I innocently lifted my hand and she thought i was going to punch her , i wish i could have encouraged her more, i wish i didn't call her '4 eyes' when she came home wearing glasses for the first time, and i wish my dad explained to me why it was bad to call her that, instead of just sending me to my room. I wish I could go back and correct my sister. I wish i didn't feel so guilty about how she has grown. I wish i could go back and tell her that she was perfect and i wish my parents weren't always so glowing about my 'successes' when she was around. I wish i never cheated on any one of the girls i have been with and i wish i never broke any of their hearts. I wish when Mr. Hewison asked me if i was OK with 'just being school vice-captain' i'd said 'no', I wish i stayed in New York longer than i did, i wish i never lost my silver chain in the gap between the corness and the wall of my room, i wish i went straight to the doctor the day after my knee buckled, i wish i floored Ed Buckingham when we wrestled by the creek on camp in the center of the circle made up of our class mates, i wish i went to Kozi to the coast, i wish instead of dreaming so much as a young kid i actually DID what i dreamed i wanted to do. I wish i had told Jess to stop smashing her steering-wheel, i wish I had danced at Sia's concert, i wish i never broke up with Faustina, i wish i could go back to Sydney the first time we went and and go through it all again, exactly how it happened, i wish i didn't feel like i disappoint her a lot of the time, i wish i didn't feel like she doesn't think i'm the man she thought i was the first time she met me, i wish i had moved out when i was 22, i wish i didn't bore myself when i wrote, i wish i was a better friend to Marshal, i wish i made my solo piece on narcissus, i wish i never started exercising (and got addicted to vanity), i wish the first day Brent Whiteway came to school and asked me to be his friend i'd said 'sure, but just for today', i wish i never told Christopher he didn't have a dad anymore after his parents divorced, and i wish he didn't punch me after i'd said it, i wish i had punched Tim in Yarrawonga,
The first time I loved, i was so insecure. I was 14 and i needed everything from this person. All of her, all the time, all of her attention and energy. She was just as bad. The second time i loved, I was worse. Not sleeping, sometimes not eating. Everything was life and death, heightened. I always needed everything to be spoken so things could be evidenced and measured. Just needing. I hadn't loved since for a long time. Not like that. I have loved since then, but it has been a blue-collar love. A love i have been driving, steering, working at, tired of, a lot of work for not enough gain. A love I could graph, that i was in charge of. The love I search for is where the love you feel, is like you've given birth to something because it exists without you, of itself. It is a living entity without you and has tapped you gently on the shoulder and has chosen you to carry it, to care for it. For a while. It is a blessing.
I miss Greece. I miss Athens. The place where i learned, at the age of 18, that i look different to the rest of the people back home in Melbourne and subsequently made me a foreigner. The place that mercilessly tore me apart from what i felt was home. That reflected back to me what i couldn't know without ever visiting it - that I was me and i was different.
I have a black and white photo of Ioanna, Mimi and myself in theia Ioanna's apartment. Arm in arm. I will make a little Emi-style video for Ioanna, show her my room and my desk and send it to her on facebook. But not publicly. I want my love to be for Ioanna, not for any one else to see. Publicly displaying it changes it. It is like the theory on quantum physics - having an observer changes the very thing which is being observed. However, i applaud the her courage in being able to send things like that across the web. But she's only showing us what she wants us to see. This is why it is courageous - because she is being overt about the mask she is using to hide herself. And this is why it is not true.
I have had a day to myself. To rest. To refill. To watch the rain. To watch myself. To watch myself watching the rain. I have eaten. I have lived today and i have done nothing "productive", which is what any one only ever does.
Disclaimer -
1 - the love i 'search for' is love i find in you. Perhaps i should have said is 'strive' for - as even when this real, exciting love is felt, it is something I still strive for.
2 - i really like Emi - a lot and do not hold silly things like video facebook messages against her!!!
